Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
My life is pants optional.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
