he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
