I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
