I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
