For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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