fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i just made my gag reflex go away.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
