I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
