Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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