remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
