youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
