If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
