There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
did i just pee glitter
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