So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
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