i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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