Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
