Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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