So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
