nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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