we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
