What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
