you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize