Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Randomize
