Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
