There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize