that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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