i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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