even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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