Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
