I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Randomize
