What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
