I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
