dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
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