I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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