Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
