I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
