Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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