when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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