my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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