My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
