and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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