At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
