I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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