OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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