matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
try to milk me bitch
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
