so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
