Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
