Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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