Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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