This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he thought i was a dude.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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