I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Randomize