so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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