if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
