Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
