I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
