My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize