oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
