My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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