I'm so fucking centered right now
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
