I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
