Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
