the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
