I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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