I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
