My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
