hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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