I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
