I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
