Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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