stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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